I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
