I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
