Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
