i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The Olympian is in my bed
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
