There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is Oprah even human
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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