Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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