I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
