Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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