Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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