my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
