It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
