how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
