drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
