I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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