In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
