so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
