I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He kissed a someone with a penis
smell my finger.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Actions speak louder than pants.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
