How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
