it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
