whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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