I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
