He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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