Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
