I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
