totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I supernannyed him into submission
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
