if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
