i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
