Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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