I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
