Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How drunk are you?
Completed.
false alarm, still single
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize