Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
