I heard we made out
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
