And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
