too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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