planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
