Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hippo gnu deer
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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