Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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