I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize