When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
