The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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