I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My first STD was from a foam party
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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