I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
