I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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