I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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