it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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