if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
