so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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