What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
