In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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