I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
