do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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