I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
