I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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