It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize