U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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