How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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