We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
