I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
