Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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