I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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