There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
