3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
