i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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