now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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