I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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