Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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