It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
