thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
