proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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