he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
