i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
