she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
