I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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