everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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