if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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