So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
