We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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